30 DoP - Day 12

Oh boy - so much for maintaining a daily commitment to posting. When it rains it pours and it is monsoon season! I set an alarm on my phone every day to go off and remind me to post. I have been staring at the alarm from a few days ago, telling myself to post something, anything to maintain this commitment to myself. The thing is, I’m a bit of a perfectionist and want to put something up that feels good to post. This 30 days of posts project is for me, and yes I'm posting it on the internet for everyone to read should they choose, but I am writing from a profoundly selfish place in doing so. I am posting for these 30 days (more like 30 posts - the day challenge was lost long ago....) to show up for myself and say, hey, I can do this for me because my dreams are worth pursuing and worth achieving. On a deep level, I need to see and experience this for myself and although you get to read these ramblings, it is in the doing where the magic and work resides for me.

So so so much happening right now. I’ll be able to share more fully down the road, but for now I am focusing on my breath and responding to any anxiety with the thought “I love myself” repeated until something shifts. 

Today’s prayer prompt from my friend and mentor Jennifer Urezzio is Power.

The greatest power that exists in the universe is Divinity. I am a part and a piece of the Divine. By connecting and collaborating with the Universe, I am safe to embrace my power and create my work from a place of peace and strength.

Today, I say yes to my power and experience it with grace and ease. I now use my power to move through any limiting beliefs in order to assume the throne of my own consciousness and full, loving connection to my Creator.

I am experiencing gratitude in every cell of my body for the profound gift of my life and the power that is mine. I trust the Universe and allow myself to release all fear and surrender to faith, receiving the prosperous blessings of the Universe. So be it.

30 DoP - Day 11

Hoo boy - two days flew by with no post. I have a mountain of emails to reply to, but I wanted to get this in because this matters to me, and if I'm not showing up for myself, who can I show up for then?

So much massive creative output happening on this end. Working, strategizing and getting clear on my solo and joint projects is both exciting and daunting. By time you likely read this, all the projects I'm being very vague about will have been defined and announced, but please know that birthing this stuff on the back end is a massive undertaking...

In the spirit of my prayer challenges, I think I'm going to end all my posts with a prayer. As a new-ish Reverend, I'm still getting used to speaking about spirituality so openly. I look forward to including prayers and reminders of our connection to the force of Love more frequently...

Today's prayer cue is "I nurture" and here is mine:

Today I feel the nurturing love of the Universe. I feel it surround and infuse me, and it is reflected to me in the beauty I perceive in the world around me.

I am now willing and ready to nurture my own heart and emanate the love that I feel within and without.

Today, I nurture my inner child and my full consciousness and all aspects of me reflect back the radiant love I embrace and acknowledge in every aspect of my life.

I am so grateful to know that nurturing is a choice, and an easy choice at that, and all I have to do is express my heartfelt thanks to receive nurturing.

I now allow the Universe to nurture me and reveal my path so that I can embrace the gift of my life and the love that is ever-present.

So be it.

30 DoP - Day 10

My voice matters. Your voice matters. Each and every one of our voices matter. 

I've been rubbing Myrrh oil on my throat for the last several days at the direction of a dear friend and colleague. Myrrh is the oil of the Mother and has been used for millennia in childbirth and post-partum care. I've been rubbing it on my throat not only to support my thyroid (center of nurturing) but to help me be more balanced in speech. Practicing being aware and mindful of my emotions has shown me how much anger can spike at the smallest irritation. It was shocking to realize the ferocity of said anger as I am generally a pretty calm person. We all have stories, though, and histories. Mine includes feeling like I had no voice as a child, and so it makes sense that there would be anger present.

According to many different sources (glad to cite if need be), anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that when anger is present, there is something else lying beneath the surface. Sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's grief, but when my anger spikes, I take a deep breath and ask myself, "what lies beneath?"

So today I walk with this. What lies beneath the surface? What actions or histories are informing the actions that I witness and embody? Can I speak my truth and be willing to hear myself while being willing to be heard? Therein lies today's rub...

Today's prayer prompt is "today I choose." How totally perfect...

There is a powerful force in the Universe called Love. I can feel this force flowing within me and all around me, supporting and nurturing me through my process of awakening and relaxing into the flow of my life.

Today I choose to experience this profound energy of Love in every single action I take. Today, my life is full of opportunities to make proactive choices to fortify my trust and acceptance of Love so that I deepen my connection to my self. I am joyous to have this opportunity and embrace my ability and willingness to choose Love always.

I am deeply grateful for my choices to enrich my life. As I express my gratitude, I release any resistance to allowing the presence of Love to be with me, and let the Universe guide me in a perfect way to making the perfect choices for me. As I focus on these words, I know them to be true, and I say So Be It.

30 DoP - Day 9

Shorter title for these fingers to type!

Today I am navigating my fear about other judgements of me. I just had a session with my incredible teacher Ron Baker (look him up - he's incredible) and he shared with me some deep wisdom. It's not what others think, it's about what I think about myself and what I am doing - that is the most important thing. I was raised to constantly be monitoring the thoughts and feelings of others to a detriment, and as I re-educate myself, I am coming up against some deep, tectonic layers that hold this consciousness. Not easy but so frigging necessary...

In the spirit of shifting old thoughts, I want to share a prayer I just wrote below. I enrolled in the excellent Jennifer Urezzio's Power of Prayer class several months ago and it was excellent. I'm upping my investment by doing a 30 day prayer challenge wherein I write a prayer a day. Here goes nothing! The theme is being enough...

Today, I know and accept that I am surrounded by the energy of love and fulfillment. I experience this love and fulfillment in everything I perceive and experience.

I know that because I'm a part of this abundant, all-providing Universe, what is true for the Universe is true for me too.

I am experiencing joy in every cell of my body in being enough in every part of my life today. The fulfillment and happiness of knowing that I am enough is reflected back to me in every interaction I experience and in every relationship and exchange I have.

I am so grateful for this knowing, and thank the Divine for providing so lavishly for me. I now let go and receive the full support of the Divine, reminding me always that I am enough. So be it.

30 Days of Posts - Day 8

I must say, a part of me is really enjoying this regularity of posting. It makes me marvel at writers and their process. I've heard for years how writers structure their days and the challenges they face. Writer's block, lack of inspiration - all of that is real. Here I am, whittling away at 30 days of posts and asking myself, "what on earth am I going to write about today?" I am bursting with so much but then there is the question, what do I share and what do I withhold? How much is too much? I realize that last question has sort of flown out of the window given the current cultural climate, but it's a valuable question all the same. As you can see, I'm working out what it is like to be posting every day and wondering to myself, if and when anyone reads this, what will come of it? I guess that's sort of a silly question, because the importance here is in the action - the commitment, the follow through, the publishing... not what people will think. 

Focusing on what people think is a surefire recipe for stunted progress and messy rollouts. Speaking as someone who was raised to be eagle-eyed about what people think about me, this is a particularly sensitive negotiation. I would like to think I've moved past the worst of it, but that reflex to make others' thoughts and feelings more important than my own feels like conditioning at a cellular level. Sure, I have those moments wondering about higher visibility discussions or comments made that create tides of opinions and responses (and reactions too) that in turn make me worried or fearful, but I know I can take a breath there. As long as there are people on this planet, there will be opinions. Those opinions will take many forms and will be delivered in an array of ways. And I will be okay if any of those opinions come my way. That's my biggest negotiation - the fear. 

I've seen the phrase that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real, and I can definitely get on board with it despite still very much being at the effect of it. There are moments where I feel fearless and other times like I'm crushed by a gigantic boulder of fear that is keeping me pinned to the ground. This is where my most important, new work comes in - to show up for myself despite the fear. To follow through on my commitments even if I feel the blunt edge of resistance being pushed by that deep, internal fear. To say hey, I matter, and I'm going to do this no matter what because I deserve to see this through. It's very selfish in a lot of ways, but it's also deeply personal and very dedicated to ME who happens to be the most important person in the room. I'm more than ever willing to believe that and show up for myself so that I can see how much I matter to myself. That inner development of resilience is an investment that I will pay into for the rest of my life, because that inner strength and inner love is what will carry me when I feel weak, or sad, or scared. I will be the one carrying myself, of course with the Divine help and love I made peace with and now allow in to my energy field with increasing willingness and gratitude. Breathing into the love that I have for myself is the deepest way I know of saying yes to love. 

Deep breaths, and the ramble continues.... <3

30 Days of Posts - Day 7

Have you ever gotten tired out of the blue when a new project comes up? I'm working on some really cool new stuff that I am delivering in early September (stay tuned!) and I have been battling fatigue for what feels like all day long. I had two cups of coffee this morning and left my caffeine consumption at that and am, as I type, wondering maybe I could slip in a black tea for the extra pick me up...

I remember years ago, one of my teachers talking about how tiredness during work or interactions is a form of resistance. When we undertake something that part of us isn't ready to do, fatigue can show up like a big, wet dog. I'm working on some super cool stuff that I'm actually incredibly excited (and nervous and anxious and and and) about and I'm not that surprised that my body is showing up like this. To see my own stuff through to completion is a bold new move on my part, and this is no exception. Rebranding, repositioning and telling my story in a fuller, more comprehensive way is frankly scaring the shit out of me. Yes, there are the "what if"s (ie what if I fail!? What if people think I'm crazy?! What if I get kicked off my own proverbial island?!) and I am quicker and quicker to tell myself to relax and breathe. All those 'what if's don't actually exist. They are our smaller self or ego's way of throwing doubt, confusion and fear into our paths. When one is a creative individual (which we all are) and creating brave new work (or just new work for that matter,) I don't think it's ever not scary to show one's art or creation off for the masses to experience.

Being seen and showing up in fullness requires seeing things for what they are. When we show up, we are choosing to be seen. This, I feel, is incredibly bold. When we tell the truth of who we are, we begin to see more clearly. With clearer sight comes clearer perspective, and with that comes responsibility. How do we choose to respond vs react to whatever information is coming in? Therein lies the rub...

30 Days of Posts - Day 6

I missed two days worth of posts. Distractions, house guests and not making the time to get back in front of my computer. I know that's an excuse, but it's the truth. Fitting in a new commitment like this is a negotiation and when everything goes up in smoke (proverbially speaking), it's surprisingly hard to come back to 1 as it were.

Breathing is the best thing I can do to come back to my proverbial 1. I love new ideas and starting new projects, but if I get distracted, the game might as well be over. 

SO today I'm breathing. It's Sunday, and I have a very full week ahead of me. I find myself getting pulled into repetitive thinking that brings nothing but stress, and to pull myself out of it, I have to take a deep breath as a kind of neural interrupt. Here is my micro process:

Distraction.

Scattered thoughts, spinning wheels, etc.

Deep breath

"What matters right now? What is my priority?"

Deep breath again.

Begin again.

The rinse and repeat on this cycle is more frequent than I'd like to admit to, but to have the check in and begin again reflex is new, and so supportive.

So today, I begin again. And I breathe. 

30 Days of Posts - Day 5

Commitment is a decision. I sat down at my computer just now with several important things on my to do list, and was reminded to post on this here blog. My initial response was, oh lord. What will I write about? And an inner voice said commitment, because that's what you're coming up against right now in this internal negotiation. 

Commitment and the consistency of showing up for it is something that I haven't been great at when it comes to my own vision and work. I have so many ideas and floods of inspiration, but following through and seeing things through to completion has been probably the biggest bugaboo of this lifetime for me. It very much boils down to worthiness and me believing enough in myself to push my creations through to reality. I've worked with amazing coaches and teachers who have shown me that follow through rides on the coattails of firm commitment. When we decide and commit to something, the path is laid out before us even if that path is created by our own feet walking through the wilds of uncertainty. Commitment and goals have the endpoint in mind, like how in archery the trajectory of the arrow is dictated by where we aim. When we pick up the bow and arrow to shoot, we're not thinking about each point in space that the arrow needs to hit - we're thinking about where we want it to land. 

To be perfectly honest, commitment has been a very scary thing for me because it feels pre-programmed with failure. This, I acknowledge, is my own shit at work. In the tides of change that are crashing upon my personal and professional shores, it is time for me to make different decisions and shift my relationship to commitment. Commitment is not a jail term - it's simply structure. The beautiful thing is, it can be changed at any time, meaning we get to make the decision about what each of us wants to do and how. 

This leads me back to this very blog post. I have been urged and told to write for longer than I can remember. I do love writing, but as I said earlier, consistency has not been my strong suit. When I typed up that first blog entry, I did so because I needed to create a new relationship to structure and output that was not dictated by something outside of me. I'm doing this for me as an exercise in commitment. Yes, there's resistance. Yes, there's judgement. Yes, there's fear and worry and and and.... And I choose to do it anyway.

If I don't begin, how much longer can I tread water, waiting for something to come along? I need to be the change that I want to see in the world, and it's all up to me as to how I choose to go about it. But I want to do this. I want to push through the resistance, the judgement, and the barriers that my self-sabotaging ego is throwing in my path. We hold the possibility to change in every single moment and in every breath we take. I choose to say yes to this potentially completely arbitrary assignment because it's not about the blog posts. It's about me showing up for myself and saying, hey, you matter and this commitment matters.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ”

— Excerpt from the speech "Citizenship In A Republic" delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910

My personal negotiation of this feels like a sandbox version of this famous Teddy Roosevelt quote above. I may not have dust, sweat and blood on my face (more like tears, coffee stains and crumbs,) but the deeply personal, interior navigation feels like one of the bravest decisions I'm ever made. 

I am sure I will come up against more of the same as I move through the next 25 days of posts. For the first time in my life, I welcome it and choose to show up despite all the criticism, the worst of which comes from within me. I matter, and this matters. I'll keep repeating that to myself when (not if) I hit a roadblock. I will use it as a divining rod to discern what I choose to put my energy into.

I feel this is an incredibly meaningful next step for me, and I thank you for reading along on this very self indulgent exploration. If it fits, may you too be willing to commit to your own development and blossoming. It may not be cute the whole way through, but it doesn't matter. Other people's opinions only matter as much as we listen and put weight into them. Here's to saying me first from a place of deep love and commitment to ourselves, because we really, really matter.

30 Days of Posts - Day 4

I woke up this morning with a wee pit of dread in my belly. Yesterday was not an easy day emotionally speaking, and it followed me through to this morning. I paused, and realized that once I was out of bed that I had a choice in that moment to show up and sincerely ask myself, "how can I love, support and honor you right now?" Mind you, I work with folks all the time to help them develop this very reflex, but man alive can it be hard to hold that same medicine for myself. So I sat down on the edge of the bed, and breathed. I watched my thoughts and feelings fly around like 10,000 butterflies and stayed with my breath. What came through was that this matters, even if it's just sitting still without looking at my phone for 3 minutes. Developing the reflex to notice when a moment is needed and to then take action on it is a quiet little revolution for me. Just like this blog challenge, this is about me showing up for myself and saying, hey, this matters because I matter. It may seem small and a little trivial to some, but to me it felt like putting a stone into my personal foundation.

May I continue to show up for myself, and may you receive what you need from this post <3

30 Days of Posts - Day 3

Fighting on social media brings nothing but bullshit, stress and upset.

I posted a few days ago about a new bag I just got and completely love. It says in block letters:

PRO BLACK

PRO BROWN

PRO QUEER

PRO TRANS

PRO SCIENCE

PRO CHOICE

PRO HOE

And I love it. I love how bold, unapologetic and firm it is. I was excited to share it because it so strongly espouses my beliefs.

As happens on Instagram, comments and likes started popping up on my screen. Most were supportive, but then two comments showed up, both likely from guys I knew back when I was bartending next to the WTC and getting all the construction workers hammered on their lunch break (not a bright moment for me). The first comment said, “I guess the bag makers forgot pro white.” I saw red. I responded as directly as I could and shut it down. Then the second commenter came in. Hoo boy did we get into it. Suffice it to say nothing was learned, nothing was gained and my nerves felt like dry, crispy cornflakes throughout the whole exchange. You can see the whole exchange on my Instagram, but it boiled down to him vehemently denying the brutal history of white supremacy and the USA and calling me crazy and self hating for acknowledging that history. 

When I first learned about white privilege, it was an immensely painful experience. It was in a one to one conversation that would have otherwise been private were it not for the microphone recording us for my podcast. I left the conversation feeling ashamed, humiliated, angry and really confused and I didn’t know what to do about it. It took a week of licking my wounds and countless conversations to get to the point of realization that waking up sucks but it’s necessary if i want to be part of the change I so badly want to see. Despite my shattered ego, I saw the situation for what it was, and am grateful to the woman who was the catalyst for my painful awakening.

White privilege, white fragility and white supremacy are all real and tangible. They are a burden to all ofur hearts, lives and health. If you are a white person who wants to dive deeper into reading, exploring and learning about these corrosive and pervasive forces, I recommend starting with The White Noise Collective resource list.  If you want to follow specific authors, I heartily recommend Ijeoma Oluo, Francesca Ramsey and Sonya Renee Taylor for starters. Black and brown folks have been writing about all of this for centuries, and it’s not a black or brown person’s job to educate us on what they’ve faced and what the POC experience has been in our country since it’s inception.

Here’s to education, investigation, and revelation for ourselves and everyone on this earth. It all starts with respectful communication if the discussion is to be of value and impact. Don’t be like the douche who invaded my feed. It’s just not worth it.

The post off my instagram  

30 Days of Posts - Day 2

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and it's also Monday. Not necessarily mutually exclusive, but today feels good.

It's incredible to me that August is almost done. Time moves faster than I tend to be aware of, but it's often shocking to realize that another month is on its way along with the advent of a new season. I find so many people lament the end of summer with such despair and upset, and I wish there was something I could do to help them look at the change differently.

I love autumn and winter and have never been able to totally understand why people go into such resistance about the colder weather. Certainly, there is the physical discomfort of being cold which is really unpleasant. If you don't have layers or enough warm clothes much less heat for your home, winter is an onslaught. I have a dear friend from Alaska who says, "there's no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear," and I must say I do agree with her. All of this being said, I don't mind looking like a yeti come winter if that means I'm comfortable. I used to suffer for what I thought was fashion growing up, ie freezing my tail off because I really wanted everyone to see my outfit no matter the weather. That was a tough learning curve - overcoming pride and vanity in order to stay healthy and warm - but one I'm glad to have been through and come out of the other side.

Change isn't always easy, but it's the only constant we'll ever know. Summer will become fall, which turns to winter, which turns to spring and then we're back at summer. Does that mean people will move through the same cycles of thought and being? Not necessarily, but it does point to a prime opportunity to choose differently. If colder weather strikes you with fear, resistance and/or dread, I want to ask you what can you do differently to (literally) weather the blows of seasonal change? How are you willing and able to set yourself up better so that the shift doesn't feel like a personal attack or assault? I realize there are many layers within this, but it's a question I wanted to pose all the same.

Here's to making the most of what we have while we have it. Happy late summer, everyone!

30 Days of Posts - Day 1

I've been sitting and percolating on what I want to offer the world, and I find that I am my own worst block. I write, I share and I FEEL, but what am I doing with all of that? Nada. Zip. Zero. That changes today.

My gorgeous cat Jane woke me up at 5am this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. I often have anxiety when I wake up in the morning. As a solo entrepreneur and artist, it all boils down to me, and that sometimes feels really stressful. Missed deadlines, lags in replies and overall not-hitting-the-mark creates agitation in my belly and my heart. It sometimes feels like a baseline in a strange way, as if everything I do has a thread of stress through it. Herein lies my work. 

We can only heal/love/do unto others as we heal/love/do unto ourselves. I've been a dancer, healing arts practitioner and advocate for landing firmly in your own heart for over a decade now and I feel harassed by how little I have to show for it. I choose the word harassed because it is a feeling and voice that lives inside of me, undoubtedly informed and programmed by social conditioning that nips at my heels and my gut like a persistent, yappy dog. It is tiring and boring and yet ever-present. So what do I do with this?

There is a quote that I love and use constantly:

Learn in the doing.

I am tired of wallowing and beating myself up for not putting my work out into the universe. I know that I have so much to offer (just as you do), and I'm really tired of feeling jealous or resentful of other folks who are doing exactly that - making their magic happen no matter what.

When Jane woke me up this morning, I felt the low pit of anxiety in my belly and asked myself, what on earth can I do to move this? And this came forth. 30 days of blog posts. As someone who has struggled with consistency and commitment, part of me is like oh lord, something else to fail at. But there's another voice - one of promise and possibility that is quiet and solid like a river-washed stone: smooth, clear and unmoving. So here goes.

Day 1 complete.

Love to you all and let's see what comes! 

A Full Moon Post

Riding back home on the train last night, I started crying while reading the news. I am scared and very nervous, and I am doing my best to reach for the highest thought possible. Amidst the sea of emotion, I have a deep, quiet voice within that assures me to breathe and stay the course. Hence this post.

As a white, liberal, formerly straight woman, I have not known struggle on the same level that black and brown people have, that gay/trans/non binary have, that Muslim or Jewish people have, and those too with disabilities. I have had creative struggles, emotional hurdles and general steep life learning curves, but I have never felt threatened or in danger in a primal, survival-based way. I don’t know what it’s like to walk down the street and be scared that I could be killed by a cop, or a white supremacist, or anyone in a position of power who would end up getting off with impunity. I'm a woman, which has given me a bouquet of life experiences, but I’ve been exceptionally fortunate to not personally know physical or sexual violence, and I’ve always had the means to have a roof over my head and access to needed resources with no questions asked. 

I remember learning about white privilege and feeling like I had just gotten hit by a truck. Long story short, I learned to lean into my discomfort and use my privilege as leverage, to begin to help other white people examine our privilege without fear or shame, blame or judgement while sitting quietly and listening to the stories told by black and brown Americans so that I may learn and keep learning so as to be an effective ally and accomplice in the collective awakening of our world. 

My great-grandparents were killed in the Holocaust. My father doesn’t talk about his family as his father was likely so traumatized that he turned to numbing out through destructive behaviors and was shut down to those who needed him most, like my dad. I can’t begin to imagine the trauma, and there’s a lot more to that story. The wounding goes so deep, and I long to know more about my family who were killed by the Nazis. I can’t change history, but I can feel them in my blood and in my bones, knowing of their fates and wondering if their souls could talk to me, what would they say? 

So where the hell am I going with all of this? That’s a good question. My head and heart are swimming with emotion and worries and concerns for the safety of countless people at the effect of this government. I can’t think about the global refugee crisis without wanting to throw the towel in and run deeper into the woods than I already have. That urge to hide is one I know well, and it is one that I am actively negotiating with because that urge, that reflex no longer serves my purpose.

Another word for privilege is convenience. I like to offer that word to folks who are having a hard time understanding the nuances and pervasiveness of white privilege. It’s convenient to be overwhelmed and do nothing. It’s convenient to numb out by hopping onto social media or an app that will devour hours of your time. It’s convenient to avoid the news and do nothing because it all feels like too much. Convenience is an illusion, and we lose a crucial part of ourselves to this urge, this habit when we numb out and let time slip by.

We are living in unparalleled times, and in a way we aren’t. History and the present moment alike have countless stories of destruction and collapse of people, races, and civilizations. We are not alone in facing adversity of this scale. It’s just the first time we’re seeing this in these bodies.

America is no longer what we believed it to be. Trump’s election has shown us the vicious, hateful and inhumane underbelly that our country has been built upon and is now governed by. That in itself is a massive reckoning, because it goes against the narrative that so many of us have held dear as Americans. We have some very scary realities and signs that this horrific downward-sloping rollercoaster is far from over, and much like me last night on the train, it's not uncommon for people to be collapsing in tears right now from rage, helplessness and fear. 

I have been turning to civil rights leaders and their examples to help me make sense of what's happening right now. I came across this tweet yesterday, and am sharing it precisely because Rep. John Lewis, civil rights activist and congressman, has walked the walk and talked the talk for decades, and his message lifted me up. 

I think back to my rude awakening into the reality of white privilege. Realizing how bad black and brown people had it in this country turned my stomach and frankly shut me down for a few months. I couldn't handle the truth. I couldn't handle the brutal reality that had been hiding in plain sight for my entire life. Coming to terms with that felt like laying down part of me; my innocence, my idealism and my reflex to make shit into sunshine. I am grateful now, looking back on it, for it provided me a baptism by fire, and for as searingly painful as it was, it vaporized in the face of what black and brown people have had to face every single day of their lives as residents and citizens of this country.

It is time for us to get very clear on what is in our hearts. If you are feeling helpless or depressed, reach for anger. Move up that emotional ladder. Anger is a powerful accelerant. It can push us into action, and it can help give courage and words to speak what our truth is. Please know, though, that anger in itself is never justified. Do not stay in that place. Do not reside in anger, for it will burn you up. Honor the grief and sadness that lie beneath it if you choose to use your anger for good. Apply that fire to the change you want to see happen, and reach for the hope that Rep. Lewis talks about. Look back on the civil rights movement, where black people's lives were in imminent danger and they faced those cops and forces of hate with the strength in their hearts and conviction in their souls. Pay attention to that fight, because the tools they used and the message they proclaimed is the one we need to be using now. 

We have chosen this time, these conditions and these bodies for a reason. We are being pushed into our purpose by the anger and the hate that we are seeing. The fight is far from over, and I invoke the energy of a warrior for those of us who are wanting to fight the forces of authoritarianism, of hate, of narrow-minded belief.

As Rep. Lewis says, this is the struggle of a lifetime. We were made for these times. I urge you to drop any resistance you have to that and begin to step into your purpose with the conviction of what is right. Your family, community and country need you to have the courage to speak what's in your heart. Now is not the time to be silent. If you are scared, then please speak for those who don't have a voice. Speak for the children and families locked in detention centers. Speak for the victims of police brutality and hate crimes. Speak for the countless people whose voices, stories and histories are ignored or swept under the carpet. Use your privilege as leverage. We are the ones we have been waiting for, and our voices are needed more than ever.

postscript: I write this for myself as much as I do for you. Fear has played a big role in me staying small. I now hold that fear as I would a child in my arms and take a step forward with the intention of continuing for as long as I have breath in my lungs and energy in my body. It is a step by step, day by day, moment by moment process, and it's one that I know will lead me to where I need to be going. The opposite of certainty is faith, and I choose to fortify my faith by speaking to what I want to see happen. Please, please, please cultivate the courage to stand up for what's right. Get out and vote, make your voice heard, and above all take care of yourself. We need you, and we love you. 

In truth, simplicity and love with plenty more to come,

Legs

Thinking out loud about being enough and doing what it is we're here to do

Since a very young age, I was told that I should be a writer. It was a compelling idea, but not one I ever put much energy into. Sure, my head was brimming with ideas, but who would want to read them? 

I was given the lesson as a young girl that things are only worth doing for the achievement. It fits, then, that if I couldn't achieve, then why bother doing it? My apathy and listlessness masked a deep seated fear of failure, of being made fun of, but most crucially, a lack of belief in myself. I had never been taught or shown that I was worth championing or encouraging, and so when faced with a project or task, I would achieve for the praise, for the look on other's faces and for the instant of applause. Inevitably, the praise would fade, and I would be left where I started, desperate to seem or appear to be enough so people would love me.

This changes now.

We are here to make a difference, to affect the world around us by simply being ourselves. We don't have to put masks on, or glitter, or a fancy costume at the end of the day. We do that because we want to, but if any part of you is doing that to "make up for" or replace who you actually are, please see the waving red flags that flutter around that belief. 

When we define our value by something that is outside of us, we are setting ourselves up to stay small, hurt and "not enough". That cycle, as vicious as it is, is a shared one by so many other people. This is where codependency comes from, and the definition only changes when we begin to invest in ourselves, not in something that lies outside of us.

A shared human belief is that we, each "I" is not enough. We have these ingrained beliefs of not being enough, or not being worthy. I thus ask you this:

What does "being enough" mean? 

If you are holding yourself in comparison to someone else who has achieved something, please know that you have a choice. By comparing yourself to someone who is better/flashier/smarter/prettier, etc, you are setting yourself up for despair. If you admire someone who holds themselves in a certain way that is attractive or highly polished and say to yourself, I could never be like that, you're actually right. You can't be like that, because that's not you! That's someone else!

So what to do? How on earth can we make better choices?

What if being enough meant showing up with your skills, tricks, emotions, gifts and beautiful self? You may not have been taught that that's being enough because somehow, you're damaged goods. If that is the case, please begin to release the grip of that belief on your body and mind. It's just not true. The only reason that was told to you was because the person telling you had been told the same thing, and keeping people in check is a way of feeling powerful when at our core we feel totally powerless. 

We cannot help other's light shine brighter when we keep ourselves and our light dim. 

So I propose to you a possibility of choice.

WHAT IF:

- you chose to love yourself no matter what

- you paid yourself a compliment when you notice how good looking you are

- you said thank you to yourself every morning upon waking up and every night before going to bed

- you looked in the mirror once a day and said, "You're a badass and I love you."

When we choose love, we change our lives and we change the world.

So I'll be writing more from here on out. It will likely be messy and all over the place, but I'm ready to be okay with that. I can only make progress by actually doing whatever it is that I want to grow, evolve and expand.

All love <3

My 2017 BurlyCon Closing Speech

I was honored to offer the closing speech at this year's BurlyCon. By request, I have posted it here. Comments are welcome and please share with attribution. Please enjoy! 

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Hello everyone!

I want to start by acknowledging how each and every one of you showed up this weekend. No matter how you participated, I invite you to take a moment and appreciate everything that you've done and how you contributed to this glorious, glittery juggernaut. You showed up, and that is no small feat. Well done.

I'd love to talk today about two things - truth and completion.

We are living in an unprecedented time of change both collectively and personally. There isn't a single corner of our lives that hasn't been touched by change, and with change comes lots of emotions, adjustments, negotiations and choices of surrender and resistance. There is a powerful tide of truth rising. This is both personal and collective, and I encourage you to ground what I am speaking about into the truth of your own life.

When shadows are exposed, there is darkness certainly, but what dispels it is the presence of light and of truth that allows everything to be seen exactly as it is.

For anyone who is scared of truth and what it forces us to confront and accept, please know there is nothing to be scared of. When we begin to get comfortable with speaking, singing and dancing our truth, we create empowerment anchored in the unwavering presence of love.

With truth comes completion.

When we rise up and say what we are done with, we quicken the dispatch of the oppressive systems that are dependent upon abuses of power and their perpetrators.

By embracing conscious completion, we build the resonance of integrity, resilience, and courage that we and our communities can use to bolster ourselves and each other in times of fear and uncertainty.

Completion clears the slate. Completion allows in the sacred energy of death so that something new can be born in its place. Completion allows us to move on as we let go of what no longer serves us.

Please remember that when something ends, something new always begins, and that you have a say as to what comes in to both nourish and support you.

So what are you ready to be complete with?

Maybe you're done with your old burlesque paradigm as you integrate the new moves, skills and tricks you've learned over this weekend.

Maybe you're done with feeling "small" as you begin to embrace and own how big you  truly can be.

Or maybe you're done with the presence of lack and are ready to accept the deeply nourishing faith that you are more than enough, that you are worthy of love and that you have something truly valuable to offer the world.

If you are asking yourself who the F am I to be telling the truth and stepping into completion and claiming my own light, I ask you who the F aren't you to be doing this?

For those already speaking the truth from your hearts, I see you and support you.

For anyone coming to terms with the messiness and discomfort of truth, I see you and support you.

For those who aren't ready to be complete, I see you and support you.

As we cradle and heal our individual and collective wounds, may we always acknowledge and activate the presence of love so that we may respond instead of reacting.

May we cultivate the willingness to see things clearly so that we affect our own lives and the lives of others with consciousness and love.

May we show up with love no matter what, knowing that when we show up for ourselves, we make it easier for everyone else to show up as well.

May we let go of what is done so that we may fully land in each present moment, loving ourselves fiercely and fully.

I wish each and every one of you a safe trip home. Please take exquisite care of yourself. You're integrating a lot, and I see you and I support you in loving yourself no matter what.

I love you and thank you.
 

Inaugurating this with words

Hello, all!

This is just a quick note to say hello and welcome to my blog! As of right now, it's called exactly that - my blog - but I hope to have a much zippier name soon enough.

Ever since I was little, I have been told to write. Truth be told, I'm not great at the discipline of writing, but when I sit down words simply flow out of me. After my time at BurlyCon (www.burlycon.org for those who aren't familiar), I realized it's time for me to make good on those words by committing them to my screen. 

What will I be talking about? Who knows! Likely whatever I want to, which will range from the spiritual to the vernacular and then some. Only one way to find out, and that's by reading and checking back occasionally!

Wishing you a restful, easy moment, and while you're reading, go ahead and take a nice, deep breath. You deserve it.

With love and so much more to come, 

Rev. Legs xxxx