I must say, a part of me is really enjoying this regularity of posting. It makes me marvel at writers and their process. I've heard for years how writers structure their days and the challenges they face. Writer's block, lack of inspiration - all of that is real. Here I am, whittling away at 30 days of posts and asking myself, "what on earth am I going to write about today?" I am bursting with so much but then there is the question, what do I share and what do I withhold? How much is too much? I realize that last question has sort of flown out of the window given the current cultural climate, but it's a valuable question all the same. As you can see, I'm working out what it is like to be posting every day and wondering to myself, if and when anyone reads this, what will come of it? I guess that's sort of a silly question, because the importance here is in the action - the commitment, the follow through, the publishing... not what people will think.
Focusing on what people think is a surefire recipe for stunted progress and messy rollouts. Speaking as someone who was raised to be eagle-eyed about what people think about me, this is a particularly sensitive negotiation. I would like to think I've moved past the worst of it, but that reflex to make others' thoughts and feelings more important than my own feels like conditioning at a cellular level. Sure, I have those moments wondering about higher visibility discussions or comments made that create tides of opinions and responses (and reactions too) that in turn make me worried or fearful, but I know I can take a breath there. As long as there are people on this planet, there will be opinions. Those opinions will take many forms and will be delivered in an array of ways. And I will be okay if any of those opinions come my way. That's my biggest negotiation - the fear.
I've seen the phrase that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real, and I can definitely get on board with it despite still very much being at the effect of it. There are moments where I feel fearless and other times like I'm crushed by a gigantic boulder of fear that is keeping me pinned to the ground. This is where my most important, new work comes in - to show up for myself despite the fear. To follow through on my commitments even if I feel the blunt edge of resistance being pushed by that deep, internal fear. To say hey, I matter, and I'm going to do this no matter what because I deserve to see this through. It's very selfish in a lot of ways, but it's also deeply personal and very dedicated to ME who happens to be the most important person in the room. I'm more than ever willing to believe that and show up for myself so that I can see how much I matter to myself. That inner development of resilience is an investment that I will pay into for the rest of my life, because that inner strength and inner love is what will carry me when I feel weak, or sad, or scared. I will be the one carrying myself, of course with the Divine help and love I made peace with and now allow in to my energy field with increasing willingness and gratitude. Breathing into the love that I have for myself is the deepest way I know of saying yes to love.
Deep breaths, and the ramble continues.... <3