30 Days of Posts - Day 5

Commitment is a decision. I sat down at my computer just now with several important things on my to do list, and was reminded to post on this here blog. My initial response was, oh lord. What will I write about? And an inner voice said commitment, because that's what you're coming up against right now in this internal negotiation. 

Commitment and the consistency of showing up for it is something that I haven't been great at when it comes to my own vision and work. I have so many ideas and floods of inspiration, but following through and seeing things through to completion has been probably the biggest bugaboo of this lifetime for me. It very much boils down to worthiness and me believing enough in myself to push my creations through to reality. I've worked with amazing coaches and teachers who have shown me that follow through rides on the coattails of firm commitment. When we decide and commit to something, the path is laid out before us even if that path is created by our own feet walking through the wilds of uncertainty. Commitment and goals have the endpoint in mind, like how in archery the trajectory of the arrow is dictated by where we aim. When we pick up the bow and arrow to shoot, we're not thinking about each point in space that the arrow needs to hit - we're thinking about where we want it to land. 

To be perfectly honest, commitment has been a very scary thing for me because it feels pre-programmed with failure. This, I acknowledge, is my own shit at work. In the tides of change that are crashing upon my personal and professional shores, it is time for me to make different decisions and shift my relationship to commitment. Commitment is not a jail term - it's simply structure. The beautiful thing is, it can be changed at any time, meaning we get to make the decision about what each of us wants to do and how. 

This leads me back to this very blog post. I have been urged and told to write for longer than I can remember. I do love writing, but as I said earlier, consistency has not been my strong suit. When I typed up that first blog entry, I did so because I needed to create a new relationship to structure and output that was not dictated by something outside of me. I'm doing this for me as an exercise in commitment. Yes, there's resistance. Yes, there's judgement. Yes, there's fear and worry and and and.... And I choose to do it anyway.

If I don't begin, how much longer can I tread water, waiting for something to come along? I need to be the change that I want to see in the world, and it's all up to me as to how I choose to go about it. But I want to do this. I want to push through the resistance, the judgement, and the barriers that my self-sabotaging ego is throwing in my path. We hold the possibility to change in every single moment and in every breath we take. I choose to say yes to this potentially completely arbitrary assignment because it's not about the blog posts. It's about me showing up for myself and saying, hey, you matter and this commitment matters.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
— Excerpt from the speech "Citizenship In A Republic" delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910

My personal negotiation of this feels like a sandbox version of this famous Teddy Roosevelt quote above. I may not have dust, sweat and blood on my face (more like tears, coffee stains and crumbs,) but the deeply personal, interior navigation feels like one of the bravest decisions I'm ever made. 

I am sure I will come up against more of the same as I move through the next 25 days of posts. For the first time in my life, I welcome it and choose to show up despite all the criticism, the worst of which comes from within me. I matter, and this matters. I'll keep repeating that to myself when (not if) I hit a roadblock. I will use it as a divining rod to discern what I choose to put my energy into.

I feel this is an incredibly meaningful next step for me, and I thank you for reading along on this very self indulgent exploration. If it fits, may you too be willing to commit to your own development and blossoming. It may not be cute the whole way through, but it doesn't matter. Other people's opinions only matter as much as we listen and put weight into them. Here's to saying me first from a place of deep love and commitment to ourselves, because we really, really matter.