30 DoP - Day 19

Have you ever made a commitment only to have the universe test that commitment by throwing everything it can within reason into your path? That is exactly what I am navigating and exploring as I sit down to type all of two and a half weeks after my last post. This process has been a very telling one for me.

I have struggled with commitment for most of my life. Some things, no problem. I show up and make it happen. But most things? A commitment made slowly goes mushy, losing its contours and boundaries and starts to melt and disappear like a sand castle when the tide comes in. I’ve said this before, but commitment is a decision. You either decide to do something or you don’t. The delivery of said commitment is its own process, its own journey. When it involves showing up for myself, my own relationship to commitment and to myself is laid bare. It has been so much easier to show up for joint/group commitments than it has been for my own. This makes me both sad and reflective. If these words or thoughts are burning in my heart and asking in whispers and hollers to be let out onto paper or a keyboard and screen, what stops me from following through? It’s a deeply personal question as it involves a big navigation of failure and shame for me, two things that have had some inescapably sharp barbs. But here’s the thing - I’m doing this for me and for no one else. So why am I being so hard on myself? It’s because this is what I was shown. If I don’t follow through, I have failed, and if I have failed, I am a failure. Guilt and shame and some nasty kicks in the gut fill this negotiation for me, but to bring it back full circle, I hereby make a new commitment:

I now commit to loving myself no matter what, and to come back to the tasks at hand with a gentleness in my heart, knowing that when I complete my commitment, I will feel satisfied and so happy with my hard work done.

I’m willing to walk with this and make it happen, because life is too short to be held back by my own limited beliefs. I am willing to fail, because then I get to start again and develop a deeper level of resilience that I know will serve me beautifully.

And, as ever so perfectly, today’s prayer prompt is Connect.

Today, I know that I am at one with Divine Intelligence. I experience the feeling and knowing that I am connected to everything on this planet and beyond, and this brings me deep comfort. Feeling the connected to all of life is manna to my heart and soul and I am deeply grateful that I am willing to participate in this comfort and joy.

Through this energy and presence of connection, I know that I have already attained all that I desire for I am already and have always been connected to and a part of it. I now surrender to Divine Intelligence and allow my dreams, desires and prayers to be made manifest.

So be it.