Since a very young age, I was told that I should be a writer. It was a compelling idea, but not one I ever put much energy into. Sure, my head was brimming with ideas, but who would want to read them?
I was given the lesson as a young girl that things are only worth doing for the achievement. It fits, then, that if I couldn't achieve, then why bother doing it? My apathy and listlessness masked a deep seated fear of failure, of being made fun of, but most crucially, a lack of belief in myself. I had never been taught or shown that I was worth championing or encouraging, and so when faced with a project or task, I would achieve for the praise, for the look on other's faces and for the instant of applause. Inevitably, the praise would fade, and I would be left where I started, desperate to seem or appear to be enough so people would love me.
This changes now.
We are here to make a difference, to affect the world around us by simply being ourselves. We don't have to put masks on, or glitter, or a fancy costume at the end of the day. We do that because we want to, but if any part of you is doing that to "make up for" or replace who you actually are, please see the waving red flags that flutter around that belief.
When we define our value by something that is outside of us, we are setting ourselves up to stay small, hurt and "not enough". That cycle, as vicious as it is, is a shared one by so many other people. This is where codependency comes from, and the definition only changes when we begin to invest in ourselves, not in something that lies outside of us.
A shared human belief is that we, each "I" is not enough. We have these ingrained beliefs of not being enough, or not being worthy. I thus ask you this:
What does "being enough" mean?
If you are holding yourself in comparison to someone else who has achieved something, please know that you have a choice. By comparing yourself to someone who is better/flashier/smarter/prettier, etc, you are setting yourself up for despair. If you admire someone who holds themselves in a certain way that is attractive or highly polished and say to yourself, I could never be like that, you're actually right. You can't be like that, because that's not you! That's someone else!
So what to do? How on earth can we make better choices?
What if being enough meant showing up with your skills, tricks, emotions, gifts and beautiful self? You may not have been taught that that's being enough because somehow, you're damaged goods. If that is the case, please begin to release the grip of that belief on your body and mind. It's just not true. The only reason that was told to you was because the person telling you had been told the same thing, and keeping people in check is a way of feeling powerful when at our core we feel totally powerless.
We cannot help other's light shine brighter when we keep ourselves and our light dim.
So I propose to you a possibility of choice.
- you chose to love yourself no matter what
- you paid yourself a compliment when you notice how good looking you are
- you said thank you to yourself every morning upon waking up and every night before going to bed
- you looked in the mirror once a day and said, "You're a badass and I love you."
When we choose love, we change our lives and we change the world.
So I'll be writing more from here on out. It will likely be messy and all over the place, but I'm ready to be okay with that. I can only make progress by actually doing whatever it is that I want to grow, evolve and expand.
All love <3